Top Prop for UFC 109

Randy "The Natural" Couture.

Mark "The Hammer" Coleman.

The main event of UFC 109 : So Very Tired will be the first to feature 2 active members of the UFC Hall of Fame duking it out for both fun and profit. It will also be a complete fucking bore. Seriously, why am I being forced to watch a couple of quinquagenarians gas out early and lay on each other for 15 minutes? While the UFC has told me not to underestimate the excitement of a "technical ground battle" or a "methodical clinch game," I can smell a euphemism a mile away. I'm like a big fat euphemism pig sniffing out euphemism truffles. We're going to get a sloptacular snoozefest featuring fighters that simply need to retire and/or die.

But when life gives you lemons, you gamble on how much lemonade you can extract. This brings us to the Top Prop(tm) of UC 109 -

Which fighter will be the first to suffer a heart attack, broken hip, or the indignity of having to activate their medic-alert bracelet?

Couture @ +130
Coleman @ -180

Gentlemen, place your bets!

No Last Laugh for the Clown Prince of Combat

Big boner, big laughs.

No matter where you turn, you simply can't escape the talk of steroids in competitive society. The sports landscape was recently set ablaze by Mark McGuire's admission of guilt, and if the ensuing debate has taught us anything, it's that this topic is NOT going away. But why? Isn't this an open and shut case? What will it take for people to realize that the side effects of this epidemic far outweigh any tangible boost in performance? I'll tell you. It will take a clown. One very, very sad clown.

It's no secret that Hermes "The Clown" Franca used steroids to transform himself from a below average fighter into a slightly below average fighter in late 2005. And really, who could blame him? At that point in his career he had already been cut once from the UFC and was struggling to make ends meet. We here at Pure Huge would never begrudge a guy for trying to feed his family, but we can't help but frown upon those who lack the ability to critically assess their station in life. Granted, Hermes was able to bulk up enough to punch his ticket back into the big show, but the results of his actions proved far too costly.

It started innocently enough. Hermes lost his car keys at UFC 62. He forgot his wife's name shortly after WEC 24. But it went from bad to worse as the losses and missed bonus opportunities drove him to inject more and more steroids. After his loss at UFC 73, "The Clown" was forced to return to working children's birthday parties. At only his second gig back he kimura'd a young boy who was unimpressed with his balloon Sean Sherk, shattering his right arm and having to pay heavy restitution in civil court. During the proceedings, Hermes cited confusing the young boy with Kenny Florian, a plausible excuse that the jury misinterpreted as a clear sign of dementia. Hermes was committed to Cedar Sinai and released into the custody of Dana White after a lengthy rehabilitation period.

The Clown returns to his roots.

Dana White decided to send in "The Clown" one last time, paired up against Tyson Griffin at UFC 103. This was Franca's last chance to go clean, train hard, and get his life back on track. During the first few minutes of the fight, he appeared to have done just that. And then, at 2:53 into the first round, Franca let loose a cartoon uppercut complete with classic spinning-arm windup. It was magnificent. As his arm pin wheeled wildly I thought, for one split second, that he had completed the transformation. But as his blow passed wide I knew that the punch was just for laughs, the last attempt of a desperate, purple haired fat man. Steroids had claimed another victim, but little did we know that he would soon be lost to us forever.

Hermes Franca resurfaced earlier this year. According to the handwritten press release that I received in the mail, he was scheduled to fight someone named "Eric Wisely" at "Max Fights DM Ballroom Brawl IV." Suspicious of both opponent and organization, I quickly uncovered the truth. There is no "Eric Wisely."  There was no "Ballroom Brawl." Franca made the whole thing up, a complete fabrication constructed inside the mind of a mad clown. What's worse, "official" records show that Franca actually lost the fight. "The Clown" had finally lost (to) his mind, and I can barely muster a chuckle.

Brock Lesnar ... Is gay?

Everyone’s been going on and on about Brock Lesnar’s mysterious malady. I think it’s about time somone came right out and said it – Maybe, what’s going on with Brock Lesnar is that he’s gay. Yes, I know he beats the shit out of grown men for a living. So? He likes it rough! We’re talking about a dude who, when he’s suiting up to go roll around on the floor with another dude, chooses to wear a speedo. Is it so crazy to suggest that this dude might be gay? Let’s review the evidence:

Exhibit A: The close up clearly shows that Brock Lesnar has an earring hole in his right ear. Anyone who ever went to 7th grade knows that the right ear is the gay ear.

The purple teletubby is suspiciously huge.

Exhibit B: The image to below shows a screen shot of the IMDB page for the Purple Teletubby. The gay teletubby. Notice who plays this character of Tinky Winky (between Laa-Laa and Po) : A man by the suspicious name of Lock Bresnar. Haven’t you always wondered why the purple one was so big?

Exhibit C: Brock Lesnar is married to Sable. That is one jacked woman! I mean, holy shit, right?!





As you can see, the evidence we’ve assembled here is pretty damning. Now it’s your turn. Do you have anything to add to the case? Send it to me, hulksmash@purehuge.com and I’ll upload the images, or just post a response by hitting the comments button below.

Top Prop UFC 108

The holidays are over and the famously "cursed" UFC 108 us finally upon us.  We SHOULD be taking bets on whether Brock Lesnar is going to make a spectacle of himself again, perhaps by ripping down the sign of every sponsor who hasn't paid him any money and publicly defecating on them, but instead we'll have to settle for placing bets on the antics of European wild man Gilbert Yvel.

          Yvel

Yvel really, really hates losing, and considering that he's facing the monster known as Junior Dos Santos, Yvel is almost certainly going to lose.  So far in his career Yvel has gone beyond run of the mill poor sportsmanship to perform a Tyson style ear-bite, and actually vented his frustrations by knocking out the referee.  Freaking awesome.

In an act of crazed desperation to get a lineup of healthy fighters for UFC 108, Dana White has used his influence with the Nevada state gaming commission to get Yvel a one time fight license.  Obviously, if he doesn't keep his shit together Yvel will never be able to take a professional fight in Nevada again.

Top Prop UFC 108:  Will Gilbert Yvel go crazy?

It's impossible to know exactly what a crazy person will do, so this bet is obviously a little open ended, but that's life.  If you can't handle uncertainty, maybe you shouldn't be gambling in the first place.  Personally I'm hoping Yvel tries to start something with Joe Rogan after the fight and winds up getting his ass kicked by the Tae Kwon Do veteran...  A man can dream, right?

Top Prop UFC 107

Betting on fights is awesome.  If you do it, you already know.  If you don't you need to start, immediately.  It doesn't take more than a few bucks, but a couple of well placed wagers will transform an evening.  But what if you don't know anything about MMA, and don't want to get suckered into betting on the wrong man by your friends?  What can you bet on?  That's when it's time to get Pure Huge.  We are committed to providing our readers with senseless proposition bets that require no knowledge of the sport whatsoever.  

Top Prop for UFC 107:  Will Frank Mir get Kongo'd?

In three of his past four fights Kongo has been on the receiving end of an unintentional low blow - this is somewhat noteworthy, it seems like a lot, but not nearly as noteworthy as the fact that every time Kongo has retaliated with a blatant intentional low blow of his own, as soon as he's resumed the fight.  His retaliations have been so brazen that it's become his trademark move, and we've coined the term Kongo'd to describe it.  So there it is.  Will Frank Mir get Kongo'd?  You'll have to work out the terms of the bet for yourself, but at Pure Huge we're putting the over/under at +250.  Rooting for a nut-shot never felt so good...

Antoni Hardonk : Requiem for a Heavyweight

A quiet hero.

Antoni Hardonk is the worst MMA fighter of all time. He's also Pure Huge. How can this be? As the world collectively prepares for his inevitable departure from the UFC, it seems only fair to take a closer look at the career of a man who has selflessly sacrificed his body for the amusement of millions.

Antoni Hardonk is a rare breed of fighter, one who mixes clumsy striking, awkward footwork, childlike strength, and a porous ground game into a volatile cocktail of ineptitude. Antoni Hardonk has absolutely no answers for any opponent. He is susceptible to all styles at all times, a rare trait to find in a fighter. While the occurrence of Hardonk's failure is inevitable, the way in which it is imposed is incredibly compelling. In his short time fighting, Hardonk has managed to elevate the art of a loss to dizzying new heights.

Showing off for Joe Silva

Contrary to the hype machine, Antoni Hardonk has never been an elite kickboxing talent. While he was trained by the fearsome Ernesto Hoost, no skills were actually transferred. Hardonk quickly racked up 4 losses in 7 professional K-1 bouts, losing to the dregs of the Eastern European combat circuit. A fighter of this caliber, under normal circumstances, wouldn't even get a sniff from the UFC. But as we now know, Hardonk is far from your typical fighter.

Up until recently, the UFC had a problem on their hands. While the fights themselves were incredibly exciting, the stories surrounding them were woefully inadequate. In Hardonk, they found an answer to their prayers. His imposing physical presence gave him instant credibility, which provided his opponents with both fans and respect upon delivering the unavoidable, spectacular beatdown. Don't believe me? Of course not. The UFC has fooled you too! Let's take a look at some of Hardonk's finest moments in the UFC -

1)  Frank Mir

Let's be honest.  The UFC heavyweight division was pathetic at best until the recent arrival of Lesnar, Carwin, Santos, and Velasquez.  Prior to that, Frank Mir was the only heavyweight worth talking about.  He was a blue chip prospect, a young goliath with a ridiculous ground game and seemingly unlimited potential.  Unfortunately, Mir  insisted on living his life a quarter mile at a time.  Upon returning from his motorcycle injury, he looked and fought like a turd sandwich.  The solution?  Match him up against Antoni Hardonk.  Naturally, Mir rolled over Hardonk's non-existent ground game and slapped on a kimura so tight that the UFC could finally proclaim that "FRANK IS BACK!!!!"  Admit it.  You were excited.

A legend is born.

2) Cheik Kongo

Cheik Kongo looks like an easy sell.  He's a gigantic, black Frenchman forged in a test tube to feed on the marrow of lesser men.  His only problem is that he wrestles like an 8th grade girl.  The solution?  You guessed it... Antoni Hardonk.  Kongo picked up where Mir left off and absolutely punished Hardonk with his unique brand of shoddy ground and pound.  This allowed the UFC to once again build interest in a terribly flawed fighter, and we loved every minute of it.

A legend grows.

3) Pat Berry

There was plenty of talk surrounding Pat Berry upon his introduction to the UFC.  Berry is an agile, scrappy kickboxer literally (literally!) fighting for food.  Sadly, his career got off to a rocky start when he was choked out in under a minute by a Canadian special-ed teacher.  Who could possibly get him back on track?  Yeah, you can see where this is going.  Antoni Hardonk had a 2 foot height and reach advantage, yet still managed to make Berry look like Muhammad Ali.  Berry ends up with 2 fight of the night bonuses, gets to eat for the next 12-18 months, and produces a heartwarming story that writes itself.

A legend solidified.

Hardonk's opponents are fighters that you shouldn't given a shit about.  The only reason you know their names is because Hardonk manages to lose in such spectacular fashion.  Beyond Brock Lesnar's post-fighter interviews, Hardonk is far and away the most entertaining option in the UFC.  It's a shame that the UFC have pinned themselves into a corner with a history of overaggressive roster trimming.  Lose 2 or 3 fights in a row, and you're out on your ass.  This means that Hardonk's time in the UFC is rapidly coming to an end, which is a shame, because I doubt we'll see a talent quite like him every again.

Cherish this man.  As the old saying goes, you don't know what you got 'till it's gone.

Goodnight, sweet prince.

Clay Guida Brings the Nutter Heat

Guida displays his nutter heat

Ask BJ Penn who he’s most afraid of in the UFC, and if his brain still works after being knocked around for the last decade, he’ll say Clay Guida. That’s because Clay Guida has something that no one else in the lightweight division brings to the table: Clay Guida brings the nutter heat.

You might be thinking – “Guida? Didn’t he just get worked by Sanchez?“ WRONG. Guida clearly won that fight, and here’s why: The only way you can score that fight for Sanchez is if you give him points for punching, kicking, or elbowing Guida. All of these things are a complete waste of time, and therefore deserve no credit at all.

The strongest kick in MMA to ever DO NOTHING

Look at this kick. That’s a “Send a letter to his wife with our condolences” world ending kick. Or it would be, if the person getting hit wasn’t Clay Guida. The effect of this kick was absolutely zero, except that it put a wicked bruise on Sanchez’ foot. That’s because Guida’s nutter heat makes him impervious to pain. It’s been proven over the course of his 35 fight career that the only way to stop Clay Guida is to cut off the flow of blood to his brain.

Choking Guida out is also tricky because he has a highly evolved offensive strategy that he uses to overcome his deficiencies in striking and jui-jitsu: he takes you down and lays on you. This is the exact same game plan that GSP, another great wrestler with freakish endurance used to dominate BJ Penn. In fact, we’re so sure that Guida’s Lay-On-You offense would defeat Penn, that we’ve ranked him number 1 in the Pure Huge Power Rankings for the lightweight division.

You’ve got to be wondering at this point, What is the source of Guida’s nutter heat? From where does he draw his great power? Well, ask no more…

Guida is the one on the left. I mean the right. I mean, err....