No Last Laugh for the Clown Prince of Combat

Big boner, big laughs.

No matter where you turn, you simply can't escape the talk of steroids in competitive society. The sports landscape was recently set ablaze by Mark McGuire's admission of guilt, and if the ensuing debate has taught us anything, it's that this topic is NOT going away. But why? Isn't this an open and shut case? What will it take for people to realize that the side effects of this epidemic far outweigh any tangible boost in performance? I'll tell you. It will take a clown. One very, very sad clown.

It's no secret that Hermes "The Clown" Franca used steroids to transform himself from a below average fighter into a slightly below average fighter in late 2005. And really, who could blame him? At that point in his career he had already been cut once from the UFC and was struggling to make ends meet. We here at Pure Huge would never begrudge a guy for trying to feed his family, but we can't help but frown upon those who lack the ability to critically assess their station in life. Granted, Hermes was able to bulk up enough to punch his ticket back into the big show, but the results of his actions proved far too costly.

It started innocently enough. Hermes lost his car keys at UFC 62. He forgot his wife's name shortly after WEC 24. But it went from bad to worse as the losses and missed bonus opportunities drove him to inject more and more steroids. After his loss at UFC 73, "The Clown" was forced to return to working children's birthday parties. At only his second gig back he kimura'd a young boy who was unimpressed with his balloon Sean Sherk, shattering his right arm and having to pay heavy restitution in civil court. During the proceedings, Hermes cited confusing the young boy with Kenny Florian, a plausible excuse that the jury misinterpreted as a clear sign of dementia. Hermes was committed to Cedar Sinai and released into the custody of Dana White after a lengthy rehabilitation period.

The Clown returns to his roots.

Dana White decided to send in "The Clown" one last time, paired up against Tyson Griffin at UFC 103. This was Franca's last chance to go clean, train hard, and get his life back on track. During the first few minutes of the fight, he appeared to have done just that. And then, at 2:53 into the first round, Franca let loose a cartoon uppercut complete with classic spinning-arm windup. It was magnificent. As his arm pin wheeled wildly I thought, for one split second, that he had completed the transformation. But as his blow passed wide I knew that the punch was just for laughs, the last attempt of a desperate, purple haired fat man. Steroids had claimed another victim, but little did we know that he would soon be lost to us forever.

Hermes Franca resurfaced earlier this year. According to the handwritten press release that I received in the mail, he was scheduled to fight someone named "Eric Wisely" at "Max Fights DM Ballroom Brawl IV." Suspicious of both opponent and organization, I quickly uncovered the truth. There is no "Eric Wisely."  There was no "Ballroom Brawl." Franca made the whole thing up, a complete fabrication constructed inside the mind of a mad clown. What's worse, "official" records show that Franca actually lost the fight. "The Clown" had finally lost (to) his mind, and I can barely muster a chuckle.

Brock Lesnar ... Is gay?

Everyone’s been going on and on about Brock Lesnar’s mysterious malady. I think it’s about time somone came right out and said it – Maybe, what’s going on with Brock Lesnar is that he’s gay. Yes, I know he beats the shit out of grown men for a living. So? He likes it rough! We’re talking about a dude who, when he’s suiting up to go roll around on the floor with another dude, chooses to wear a speedo. Is it so crazy to suggest that this dude might be gay? Let’s review the evidence:

Exhibit A: The close up clearly shows that Brock Lesnar has an earring hole in his right ear. Anyone who ever went to 7th grade knows that the right ear is the gay ear.

The purple teletubby is suspiciously huge.

Exhibit B: The image to below shows a screen shot of the IMDB page for the Purple Teletubby. The gay teletubby. Notice who plays this character of Tinky Winky (between Laa-Laa and Po) : A man by the suspicious name of Lock Bresnar. Haven’t you always wondered why the purple one was so big?

Exhibit C: Brock Lesnar is married to Sable. That is one jacked woman! I mean, holy shit, right?!





As you can see, the evidence we’ve assembled here is pretty damning. Now it’s your turn. Do you have anything to add to the case? Send it to me, hulksmash@purehuge.com and I’ll upload the images, or just post a response by hitting the comments button below.

Top Prop UFC 108

The holidays are over and the famously "cursed" UFC 108 us finally upon us.  We SHOULD be taking bets on whether Brock Lesnar is going to make a spectacle of himself again, perhaps by ripping down the sign of every sponsor who hasn't paid him any money and publicly defecating on them, but instead we'll have to settle for placing bets on the antics of European wild man Gilbert Yvel.

          Yvel

Yvel really, really hates losing, and considering that he's facing the monster known as Junior Dos Santos, Yvel is almost certainly going to lose.  So far in his career Yvel has gone beyond run of the mill poor sportsmanship to perform a Tyson style ear-bite, and actually vented his frustrations by knocking out the referee.  Freaking awesome.

In an act of crazed desperation to get a lineup of healthy fighters for UFC 108, Dana White has used his influence with the Nevada state gaming commission to get Yvel a one time fight license.  Obviously, if he doesn't keep his shit together Yvel will never be able to take a professional fight in Nevada again.

Top Prop UFC 108:  Will Gilbert Yvel go crazy?

It's impossible to know exactly what a crazy person will do, so this bet is obviously a little open ended, but that's life.  If you can't handle uncertainty, maybe you shouldn't be gambling in the first place.  Personally I'm hoping Yvel tries to start something with Joe Rogan after the fight and winds up getting his ass kicked by the Tae Kwon Do veteran...  A man can dream, right?