Top Prop UFC 107

Betting on fights is awesome.  If you do it, you already know.  If you don't you need to start, immediately.  It doesn't take more than a few bucks, but a couple of well placed wagers will transform an evening.  But what if you don't know anything about MMA, and don't want to get suckered into betting on the wrong man by your friends?  What can you bet on?  That's when it's time to get Pure Huge.  We are committed to providing our readers with senseless proposition bets that require no knowledge of the sport whatsoever.  

Top Prop for UFC 107:  Will Frank Mir get Kongo'd?

In three of his past four fights Kongo has been on the receiving end of an unintentional low blow - this is somewhat noteworthy, it seems like a lot, but not nearly as noteworthy as the fact that every time Kongo has retaliated with a blatant intentional low blow of his own, as soon as he's resumed the fight.  His retaliations have been so brazen that it's become his trademark move, and we've coined the term Kongo'd to describe it.  So there it is.  Will Frank Mir get Kongo'd?  You'll have to work out the terms of the bet for yourself, but at Pure Huge we're putting the over/under at +250.  Rooting for a nut-shot never felt so good...

Antoni Hardonk : Requiem for a Heavyweight

A quiet hero.

Antoni Hardonk is the worst MMA fighter of all time. He's also Pure Huge. How can this be? As the world collectively prepares for his inevitable departure from the UFC, it seems only fair to take a closer look at the career of a man who has selflessly sacrificed his body for the amusement of millions.

Antoni Hardonk is a rare breed of fighter, one who mixes clumsy striking, awkward footwork, childlike strength, and a porous ground game into a volatile cocktail of ineptitude. Antoni Hardonk has absolutely no answers for any opponent. He is susceptible to all styles at all times, a rare trait to find in a fighter. While the occurrence of Hardonk's failure is inevitable, the way in which it is imposed is incredibly compelling. In his short time fighting, Hardonk has managed to elevate the art of a loss to dizzying new heights.

Showing off for Joe Silva

Contrary to the hype machine, Antoni Hardonk has never been an elite kickboxing talent. While he was trained by the fearsome Ernesto Hoost, no skills were actually transferred. Hardonk quickly racked up 4 losses in 7 professional K-1 bouts, losing to the dregs of the Eastern European combat circuit. A fighter of this caliber, under normal circumstances, wouldn't even get a sniff from the UFC. But as we now know, Hardonk is far from your typical fighter.

Up until recently, the UFC had a problem on their hands. While the fights themselves were incredibly exciting, the stories surrounding them were woefully inadequate. In Hardonk, they found an answer to their prayers. His imposing physical presence gave him instant credibility, which provided his opponents with both fans and respect upon delivering the unavoidable, spectacular beatdown. Don't believe me? Of course not. The UFC has fooled you too! Let's take a look at some of Hardonk's finest moments in the UFC -

1)  Frank Mir

Let's be honest.  The UFC heavyweight division was pathetic at best until the recent arrival of Lesnar, Carwin, Santos, and Velasquez.  Prior to that, Frank Mir was the only heavyweight worth talking about.  He was a blue chip prospect, a young goliath with a ridiculous ground game and seemingly unlimited potential.  Unfortunately, Mir  insisted on living his life a quarter mile at a time.  Upon returning from his motorcycle injury, he looked and fought like a turd sandwich.  The solution?  Match him up against Antoni Hardonk.  Naturally, Mir rolled over Hardonk's non-existent ground game and slapped on a kimura so tight that the UFC could finally proclaim that "FRANK IS BACK!!!!"  Admit it.  You were excited.

A legend is born.

2) Cheik Kongo

Cheik Kongo looks like an easy sell.  He's a gigantic, black Frenchman forged in a test tube to feed on the marrow of lesser men.  His only problem is that he wrestles like an 8th grade girl.  The solution?  You guessed it... Antoni Hardonk.  Kongo picked up where Mir left off and absolutely punished Hardonk with his unique brand of shoddy ground and pound.  This allowed the UFC to once again build interest in a terribly flawed fighter, and we loved every minute of it.

A legend grows.

3) Pat Berry

There was plenty of talk surrounding Pat Berry upon his introduction to the UFC.  Berry is an agile, scrappy kickboxer literally (literally!) fighting for food.  Sadly, his career got off to a rocky start when he was choked out in under a minute by a Canadian special-ed teacher.  Who could possibly get him back on track?  Yeah, you can see where this is going.  Antoni Hardonk had a 2 foot height and reach advantage, yet still managed to make Berry look like Muhammad Ali.  Berry ends up with 2 fight of the night bonuses, gets to eat for the next 12-18 months, and produces a heartwarming story that writes itself.

A legend solidified.

Hardonk's opponents are fighters that you shouldn't given a shit about.  The only reason you know their names is because Hardonk manages to lose in such spectacular fashion.  Beyond Brock Lesnar's post-fighter interviews, Hardonk is far and away the most entertaining option in the UFC.  It's a shame that the UFC have pinned themselves into a corner with a history of overaggressive roster trimming.  Lose 2 or 3 fights in a row, and you're out on your ass.  This means that Hardonk's time in the UFC is rapidly coming to an end, which is a shame, because I doubt we'll see a talent quite like him every again.

Cherish this man.  As the old saying goes, you don't know what you got 'till it's gone.

Goodnight, sweet prince.

Clay Guida Brings the Nutter Heat

Guida displays his nutter heat

Ask BJ Penn who he’s most afraid of in the UFC, and if his brain still works after being knocked around for the last decade, he’ll say Clay Guida. That’s because Clay Guida has something that no one else in the lightweight division brings to the table: Clay Guida brings the nutter heat.

You might be thinking – “Guida? Didn’t he just get worked by Sanchez?“ WRONG. Guida clearly won that fight, and here’s why: The only way you can score that fight for Sanchez is if you give him points for punching, kicking, or elbowing Guida. All of these things are a complete waste of time, and therefore deserve no credit at all.

The strongest kick in MMA to ever DO NOTHING

Look at this kick. That’s a “Send a letter to his wife with our condolences” world ending kick. Or it would be, if the person getting hit wasn’t Clay Guida. The effect of this kick was absolutely zero, except that it put a wicked bruise on Sanchez’ foot. That’s because Guida’s nutter heat makes him impervious to pain. It’s been proven over the course of his 35 fight career that the only way to stop Clay Guida is to cut off the flow of blood to his brain.

Choking Guida out is also tricky because he has a highly evolved offensive strategy that he uses to overcome his deficiencies in striking and jui-jitsu: he takes you down and lays on you. This is the exact same game plan that GSP, another great wrestler with freakish endurance used to dominate BJ Penn. In fact, we’re so sure that Guida’s Lay-On-You offense would defeat Penn, that we’ve ranked him number 1 in the Pure Huge Power Rankings for the lightweight division.

You’ve got to be wondering at this point, What is the source of Guida’s nutter heat? From where does he draw his great power? Well, ask no more…

Guida is the one on the left. I mean the right. I mean, err....

The Nutter Heat

nutter heat [nhut-er heet] noun
1. The particular combination of ferocity, determination, and insensitivity to pain that only someone who is mentally unsound can bring to a match.
2. To have one's testicles become too hot while playing video games, as often happens on crowded couches.
Origin:
This is something RearNaked said once. Possibly from English slang?
Common Use:
Holy crap, Clay Guida brings the nutter heat!

This term has been added to the PureHuge glossary.